Let It Go

Listen to your heart

I no longer know the date. I don't really know what month it is unless I think hard. I've entered a cycle of studying, eating, sleeping and playing games to destress. I also now understand exactly what my boss means by "turn to 'Chill out' radio, my brain needs to rest" after a long day. I know only the day of week and what I have to do on that day.

It's been 8 weeks since first year medicine started.
Despite how hectic it's been, I am thoroughly enjoying it.

Over the weekend, a bunch of us visited all the Rural Clinical Schools so we have a better idea of where we could potentially be spending our next three years - but really, I think it served only to make the decision harder in the best way possible.

Wangaratta. Shepparton. Bendigo. Ballarat.

Frankly, I didn't know how I felt when I first received my offer.

Not only was I part of the rural cohort, I had no idea what being part of the ERC cohort meant, only that I would be spending Year 2 at a rural site, and Year 3 at a site even further from Melbourne.

Ticking the box which expressed interest for the ERC program has never been a better choice.

A thought that kept coming back to mind, Everything happens for a reason. 

Such a cliche, but it really does.

I learn best in a small group and with as much hands-on experience as possible, which is exactly how these four sites emphasise in their teaching.

Ballarat, I thought at first, because I've always wanted to return to my roots. The tour of the hospital and accommodation area only cemented this tentative decision. But I think I'd be equally happy in any of these sites.

Wangaratta has a homely feel to it and I'm loving the idea of a ten-minute bike ride to the hospital and of all the day trips we could take to surrounding areas.

I had more words for this yesterday when I sat watching the country flash by on the bus, but I've lost them now.

I needed this push.
As with everything, I can never muster enough passion to chase after those dreams until I'm forced to. Yes, the next three years will kick me out of my comfort zone, but at the same time may well be the best three years of my life.

Nowadays I rarely go by feelings, but deep down, my heart tells me Wangaratta or Ballarat.

Before I go on...

I feel as though studying med has changed me a little. 

Whether or not it's because I really have no time to ponder and worry, no time to care about what others think of me, or have unconsciously just decided that others might just accept me for how I am, I don't know.

It's like this, I turned to playing games to destress between class and when I do, I am fully dedicated to building my town, winning Big 2, flying my spaceship or dominating the other person in LOTR Quiz Up. I am aggressive and competitive. I no longer hold anything in. If I'm having a bad day, I tell people around me frankly and ask for their understanding. I verbally and physically express my feelings and thoughts towards everything I encounter throughout the day aloud to myself or to whoever is next to me as I would to only my family and close friends. I speak my mind. I am sarcastic and crude, and now find humour in every little thing I encounter. Shall we say, very easily amused?

What fears I had about making friends before induction week have been sent packing. I stick my hand out, smile and make conversation. A lot of conversation if so required.

Apart from attending classes and studying, I'm left with little time for anything else. And in that time, I want only to chill and rest my mind. I finally understand why some people take hours to reply to your text messages. They're tired, unbelievably busy and just cannot be bothered. So I apologise in advance. I might not be able to get back to you immediately, but I will be there for you in your hour of need. When your head, life and workload is exploding and you need time out? I'm there. 

I'm getting loopier and weirder by the minute. I really am.

Find & Give

There's a lot I want to write about tonight, and in complete honesty, starting med has meant that every waking moment is dedicated to studying and all other times to sleeping. Five weeks in, and I'm loving it, but at the same time exhausted. Friday has now become the coveted day, simply because it signifies the week's ending and two full days of sleep, rest and study catch-up time. 

I'm waiting for a train, and times like this just seem quietly perfect for reflection.

Pablo Picasso once said, "The meaning of life is to find your gift and the purpose of life is to give it."

If life were a movie, the moment I first came across and read this would be the moment violins and cellos surged in the background, as the scene replayed at multiple exaggerated angles.

But all antics aside; truly, there are times I wonder what this is all for. Whatever you'd like to define 'this' as. The meaning, the purpose of us working so hard and for what? What the hell is my gift and when the hell will I find it.

I've never felt utter inspiration. Nothing, no one, no cause has ever driven me to any extent of motivation. A constant paradoxical tug of war between what I want to do and what I am inspired enough to do. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the latter wins and I'm left to wonder.

Having just left 21st birthday, with the majority of attendants having coming from a commerce background, so different to what I've been living, I really wonder how it would differ. To be starting a working life, instead of only beginning a ten-year journey to a lifetime of learning. 

But when I step back and reconsider, studying medicine has been and is everything I've wanted; everything I hope to do in this life.

But the question still remains for the long hours, the perpetual exhaustion and the, at times, crazed mind.

But where truly do the fears lie? 

It's very easy to answer this question. But voicing it will mean the acknowledgment of my greatest fear and the possibility that while I may be able to gain a fledging career through hardwork and determination, that the other part, the part not as easily gained, not from lack of dedication but at mercy of the whims of the universe.

And yes, I do believe. I believe in the things I've always believed in, I do. Really, really. 

So to sit back and observe. Don't swim against the tide, let go and let the tide bring you home. Pull back a little at times, and see for sure, what the future has and what the future will bring to me.

Incoherent thoughts - I know, and not even half of what I'm needing to sort through. I'm scared, I have mixed feelings, but at the same time, maybe this was how it was supposed to be and the answers to all my questions will one day be revealed. The curtains will lift and it will hopefully be everything I've always wished for.

緣份。

Do you believe in yuan fen? 
Maybe cause I grew up in Taiwan and it's such a commonly used term. 

But I do. So much. 
It's the shred of driftwood that keeps me from drowning.

That something, some force, some heavenly being above has everything planned out for us.

When things go differently, that there's always a reason. You just don't know it at that time, because that something dictates that que sera sera, whatever will be will be and everything will be okay in the end. Do you think it's too selfish a reason to believe?

Because it helps to think of it that way. That somethings don't follow the 'work + effort = favourable result' equation, and that's because there's something better in store for you.

It's about the journey and the stepping stones and the ultimate realisation and understanding that matters. And you can look back with nostalgia at all the things you learned along the way. 

Just believe that it will all be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end; and appreciate every step you've taken along the way to that "okay", cause it'll all be memory one day.

Out & About

Seeing the city from a tourist's perspective.

My aunt, cousin and her friend are here and I love it.

Love everything from having more people, more noise in the house, to not waking up to a house full of people still asleep, to the soft grumbling coffee machine, dripping aromatic coffee, to simply having more family around.

Coffee addicts we are. Slowly discovering all the hidden gems in Melbourne City, exploring Queen Vic Market and stumbling across a new frozen yoghurt place. Yes, I will be back.

Market Lane Coffee
http://www.marketlane.com.au

Frozen by a Thousand Blessings
https://www.facebook.com/FrozenByAThousandBlessings

White Night 2014