AusWHO 2014

I really, really enjoyed AusWHO this year.

They say people are happier when their friends live nearby. 

The past few weeks have proven these words to such that they cannot be truer.

Find & Give

There's a lot I want to write about tonight, and in complete honesty, starting med has meant that every waking moment is dedicated to studying and all other times to sleeping. Five weeks in, and I'm loving it, but at the same time exhausted. Friday has now become the coveted day, simply because it signifies the week's ending and two full days of sleep, rest and study catch-up time. 

I'm waiting for a train, and times like this just seem quietly perfect for reflection.

Pablo Picasso once said, "The meaning of life is to find your gift and the purpose of life is to give it."

If life were a movie, the moment I first came across and read this would be the moment violins and cellos surged in the background, as the scene replayed at multiple exaggerated angles.

But all antics aside; truly, there are times I wonder what this is all for. Whatever you'd like to define 'this' as. The meaning, the purpose of us working so hard and for what? What the hell is my gift and when the hell will I find it.

I've never felt utter inspiration. Nothing, no one, no cause has ever driven me to any extent of motivation. A constant paradoxical tug of war between what I want to do and what I am inspired enough to do. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the latter wins and I'm left to wonder.

Having just left 21st birthday, with the majority of attendants having coming from a commerce background, so different to what I've been living, I really wonder how it would differ. To be starting a working life, instead of only beginning a ten-year journey to a lifetime of learning. 

But when I step back and reconsider, studying medicine has been and is everything I've wanted; everything I hope to do in this life.

But the question still remains for the long hours, the perpetual exhaustion and the, at times, crazed mind.

But where truly do the fears lie? 

It's very easy to answer this question. But voicing it will mean the acknowledgment of my greatest fear and the possibility that while I may be able to gain a fledging career through hardwork and determination, that the other part, the part not as easily gained, not from lack of dedication but at mercy of the whims of the universe.

And yes, I do believe. I believe in the things I've always believed in, I do. Really, really. 

So to sit back and observe. Don't swim against the tide, let go and let the tide bring you home. Pull back a little at times, and see for sure, what the future has and what the future will bring to me.

Incoherent thoughts - I know, and not even half of what I'm needing to sort through. I'm scared, I have mixed feelings, but at the same time, maybe this was how it was supposed to be and the answers to all my questions will one day be revealed. The curtains will lift and it will hopefully be everything I've always wished for.

White Night 2014

Southbank

Beautiful summer days and nights.

Wherever you will go

This is the year of 21st celebrations.

The only constant is change itself.

Do you believe?

You know what? I'd say one of the most unapproachable topics to discuss vocally would be love.

I really really do now see why people opt to speak to therapists. Just someone who is objective. Who doesn't know the person. Who will just listen to you speak. Who you can pose rhetorical and hypothetical questions to. Someone you can pour your heart out to and not worry about the mess you've created. Speaking to friends and family serve only to increase their worries and leads to more questions you can't answer.

How do you say those things without sounding cheesy? How can you actually say aloud what you truly believe in?

Closest by far are letters. In them, I find so much of what otherwise cannot be expressed and said, can be.

Do you really believe?

That one day you really will find that person. That one who will stick by you no matter what. Who can accept you for the person you are, and the person you will become. Who will really patiently put up with you. Who really will want to spend the rest of their life with you. I don't need fireworks and gifts, flowers and diamonds. Just a steady hand. To know that no matter what, they will stay. You make the biggest promise you'll ever make in your life the day you join hands - don't break it. 

Some days, I wholeheartedly believe. I am filled with conviction, confidence and unwavering certainty that really someone does exist. I look at all the happy couples I know, I know of, I see. The elderly grandma and grandpa walking down streets with their hands clutched tightly. That one man who followed slowly behind his huffing wife on his walking stick, saying in passing, "oh boy she's angry now. I'll just let her be. Heh heh."

But other days, the doubts creep in. All the things I've seen and felt. All the times I've overthought everything, ruined everything, cocooned myself in a web of cynicism.

How I ricochet between certainties and doubts.

Biomed Ball 2013

My iPhone 3S actually takes quite decent photos - when I look it on the computer.

The Peninsula was beaaautifully decorated.

2AM in Hong Kong

Let's explore the world at 2am.

My dslr needs a bit of loving.

Queen Victoria Market

I will miss the ragged photo quality of this phone when it's truly gone.