Find & Give

There's a lot I want to write about tonight, and in complete honesty, starting med has meant that every waking moment is dedicated to studying and all other times to sleeping. Five weeks in, and I'm loving it, but at the same time exhausted. Friday has now become the coveted day, simply because it signifies the week's ending and two full days of sleep, rest and study catch-up time. 

I'm waiting for a train, and times like this just seem quietly perfect for reflection.

Pablo Picasso once said, "The meaning of life is to find your gift and the purpose of life is to give it."

If life were a movie, the moment I first came across and read this would be the moment violins and cellos surged in the background, as the scene replayed at multiple exaggerated angles.

But all antics aside; truly, there are times I wonder what this is all for. Whatever you'd like to define 'this' as. The meaning, the purpose of us working so hard and for what? What the hell is my gift and when the hell will I find it.

I've never felt utter inspiration. Nothing, no one, no cause has ever driven me to any extent of motivation. A constant paradoxical tug of war between what I want to do and what I am inspired enough to do. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the latter wins and I'm left to wonder.

Having just left 21st birthday, with the majority of attendants having coming from a commerce background, so different to what I've been living, I really wonder how it would differ. To be starting a working life, instead of only beginning a ten-year journey to a lifetime of learning. 

But when I step back and reconsider, studying medicine has been and is everything I've wanted; everything I hope to do in this life.

But the question still remains for the long hours, the perpetual exhaustion and the, at times, crazed mind.

But where truly do the fears lie? 

It's very easy to answer this question. But voicing it will mean the acknowledgment of my greatest fear and the possibility that while I may be able to gain a fledging career through hardwork and determination, that the other part, the part not as easily gained, not from lack of dedication but at mercy of the whims of the universe.

And yes, I do believe. I believe in the things I've always believed in, I do. Really, really. 

So to sit back and observe. Don't swim against the tide, let go and let the tide bring you home. Pull back a little at times, and see for sure, what the future has and what the future will bring to me.

Incoherent thoughts - I know, and not even half of what I'm needing to sort through. I'm scared, I have mixed feelings, but at the same time, maybe this was how it was supposed to be and the answers to all my questions will one day be revealed. The curtains will lift and it will hopefully be everything I've always wished for.