I know it's just the smog, but the sun rose today as an orange orb, it got obscured by a mountain - invisible only because of the dense smog, only peek out between at times to rise again. The sun rises very quickly, a moment we all wait for with breaths held, over in a few seconds. Today, the sun was as round and as orange as the moon the day I arrived.
It's been a week - a life-changing week. Only one week, so hard to believe. Your world can turn upside down in a second. In the moment you receive a phone call, consecutively from your family. The moments we spent in silent racking sobs in an emergency exit because there's nowhere else to hide and grieve in the middle of the city. The moments we spend waiting for our flight. The moment of silence when we receive the news.
It will take a long time to recover from this. There will be doubts and the 'what ifs' will come out to play again. What if I decided to do this, instead of that. What if. But from my perspective, it was the best way - to see grandpa more comfortable. I know something no one else knows clearly - that at stage IV terminal HCC with multiple hepatomas, one exceeding ten cm in size. Prognosis is not good. Life expectancy is 3-6 months. It's automatically palliative care. What none of us anticipated was how we could receive news on the 7th of February, confirmed 11th of February. And one month later, losing him. Saturday, 7th of March 2015, 7.43pm. Bidding him goodbye, 14th March 2015. There was never going to be a cure, but we prayed to everything we could for less pain and suffering, more time. Time we didn't end up getting - but looking at the whole process, it was done to the best of abilities and there would be no better way to do it.
This week of grief, loss, family love and cultural reawakenings - respect, how to greet a guest in context of a passing, learning procession of a funeral.
Where do I start?
First, it went spectacularly. Taking sadness and loss out of context, everything went well and it could not have been a better send off.
Next - the process.
Arrival, 24 hours later - and we immediately headed to 義永寺. We've all seen it before - the funeral table in movies, but when it's your own beloved grandfather, father in the photo, it is indescribable. Hearing your own father say the words that not being there was the greatest regret in his life, is on an entirely different level. We tend to forget that a person doesn't have just one relationship, they have one with everyone they've known, and the human nature of putting ones own pain beyond all, I can't help it, but stepping back - grandpa has lived such a worthy life. The number of people who came to pay their respects throughout the week, who came to the public ceremony on Saturday. That's the respect he deserves utmost, and something I really so wish Carly was there to see.
We didn't see grandpa when he left, so as tradition, all 晚輩 crawl in. He was waiting for us with a half smile on his face. If this happened before anatomy dissection classes, I'm not sure how I would've taken it, because a cadaver in the same room would have reminded me of him.
We then processed to light incense - two. One for the Buddhas and another for grandpa. And for the rest of the week we stayed with him, lit incense for those who came to visit, recited literature to bless him, spoke to him like we would, and he wasn't gone. He really was not. Because we believe in afterlife and reincarnation, that the body is a physical thing, the soul lives on even after the presumed death of the physical body. Even now, maybe he's watching us from afar, somewhere.
The ritual of a funeral is also comforting in a way. It comforts you that you're not just doing nothing for him, that at least yes, we can still do something and be glad he's no longer suffering, crying and letting it all out, acknowledging the death, learning to cherish every moment with family and loved ones when you can. All of the things you read and agree wholeheartedly and NTS to do, but it only holds absolutely one hundred percent until something like this happens.
Traditionally, family members stay with the deceased for a week, day and night, but we this time, stood vigil for just the last night of the first week postmortem. Candles should be lit the whole time so they can find their way home and to fair body. Lights to be kept on in case they want to visit and come home. I have my thoughts from the vigil, they were the lessons I learnt from this loss.
So after we saw to that the ceremony room was fitted, the flowers well arranged, we all went home to shower and came back to camp at the altar for the night. All of us were awake again at 4.30am, out to get breakfast by 5am, 6am - the funeral company was already here, starting to get everything in order.
Family ceremony was first - at 7.20am, we paid our respects in the absolute most proper way. I firmly to this day believe. Grandma spoke, while we kneeled, then we paid respects with 9 kowtows and 3 bows between, each symbolising something. To give our thanks and respect to grandpa in the most proper way. I couldn't be more thankful for these traditions for that reason.
Post immediate family respect, the extended family are invited up in order of how they address grandpa. Those who are older than him bow to him, while they present incense and fruit, we kneel on the floor and kowtow as thanks. Subsequent family members are all invited accordingly and if they are younger than grandpa, we don't kneel, but bow instead.
After the family ceremony, it is open to public. There is a table set up outside, where public come to present themselves. It is tradition to give white envelopes of money, etc etc. but we did not accept, so there the table stationed outside with one of aunty's younger sister and husband was for returning the envelopes people will no doubt prepare in red envelopes. The public then register their names - in these cases, the companies and organisations they're in - for grandpa was also part of many groups for golf, and his wider circle of socialisation. And the ceremonial presenter does all the speaking and inviting. Family members watch the procession and at the end bow to give thanks for their coming.
Invitation. Lady puts red sash on most senior member. Most senior member accept incense, bows. Incense presented, then repeat with fruit. Then bow as final respect before turning to both sides - girls on left, boys on the right - to bow as respect to family too, while we bow in return in unison. Then if they know family personally, shake hands and hold hands to exchange a swift silent moment. Repeat process with everyone that comes.
Then the ceremony is over quickly. At the end of public 公祭 , coffin is brought out to the middle of the room. Family follows priest and nuns to circle coffin three times, then we follow with proper moving way: priest and nuns first chant, then second son holds the branch, oldest son holds the 神主牌/ plaque, first grandson holds the framed photograph. A black umbrella must go over the plaque whenever it is outside. Then the rest of the family follows in level after. Coffin is wheeled to 靈車, family calls out to deceased to tell them all times when we move them entirely (as above). When it is loaded and people follow on car, the rest of family who don't fit into the car all turn around and bow as thanks to the attendees. Then the funeral is officially over.
However, family continues on to the bus / follow spirit car to the mortuary where deceased is incinerated. More processions involved in every step. Free to go for a few hours until the incineration process is complete - then we return to 撿骨. Pick up bones, each person picks up three pieces and says "住新家喔" then the urn is sealed, wrapped and we head to where we want to place the urn. Only until urn is completely set up and all is the entire process over.
Not 100% well explained, but the less incredibly traditional way is such. It really has been: 一切圓滿。
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