It disappeared while we went through some turbulence. Understandable, after all - we could've been travelling through a cloud.
But then I saw a flicker in the periphery.
Not the flicker of a plane wing at night.
And I waited. And it happened again and again and my friend, I saw a thunderstorm from above. The sky as it flashed in the distance. Thunderstorm raging down below this calm, calm veil. Underneath calm calm stars that stretch out and are so damn close. And a shooting star. If my eyes did not deceive me. It was a shooting star and I tell you, I wished for something I've always yearned for more blatantly than ever. Something I didn't even speak aloud myself inside my heart. And whether or not it was because I'm watching wish you were all here (I think) at the moment which by the way I am loving. Paused at the moment because the thunderstorm was too amazing. And this is a new year. So many weird and wonderful things happened yesterday - from this crazy occurrence of meeting a girl inside of MUJI, having her approach me at first saying: are you korean? To I really like the way you're dressed. To can we meet for coffee? Then actually meeting for the said coffee and me while talking to her, unbelievably in Chinese where I have limited higher up vocabulary to realising there are so many of her thoughts that I've had. To the freedom of having to hide nothing, talking to what was a perfect stranger about deep dark things. Having the same said thoughts uttered in exactly the same fashion all be it in Chinese, and then after that coffee, choosing to walk the way I did. Looking up at that precise moment as I turned the corner and meeting Cindy there. Laughter tumbling out. All worryless. Going to big egg and friend. Life is really made of choices. Although you don't know you're taking it. Actively, you don't think it. But those same choices lead us to such weird and wonderful things. Like me choosing to go back into MUJI after seeing the girl look at me with interest. And us ending up again at the same spot. So many things and so many choices. That create the person we are today. That make us who we are.
What will you do if you don't get into specialist? Take a year off and go to Japan. Travel for a few months in Europe. Throw all plans and maps to the wind and run run run. I'll let my steering wheel loose and let the currents take me where they may. Anywhere. I'll live with a goal, but at once aimlessly. These russet dreams as they are. As I lust for.
What has really change in me these past months? Thoughts like this go immediately and unedited on this space. No more read and reread. No more - am I being too honest here? No more - that's too private to go up. I don't know what has changed really.
Thinking back to the start of errant thoughts, when I agonised over public or private. When I chose not to write for an audience but instead for myself. That was when the private button went up and all was buried. But you know, I guess I ended up wanting not to let these thoughts fester away in the dark. That at least, here, they can exist. Not just lay waste in the deepest part of my soul. Cause these thoughts at least. Of me, me and me. I want to share.
But you know. I can see the clouds as we travel through them at thousands of miles per hour. They leave almost as soon as we arrive. But we're the ones moving, actually. Dips and dabbles. Is this that feeling? Or meeting someone, doing something. Having it last only for s short while. But so much weight and meaning behind it. Short, significant, inspiring exchanges. I'll never be that person. There are too many flaws in me. (And my movie just got reset. How annoying.) But I'll work on it. I'll try my best. Set my goals. Not get too caught up. Not impose. Not lose my temper so easily or be so stubborn. And friend. It is so beautiful up here.
Is this what it's like to fly in spaceship?
To cruise up here. Watching the miles fall away. Rocketing along to the next new beginning. To a New Year. A new start, I haven't yet set my New Years resolutions.
But it'll be something like this.
Food: Eat healthy. Learn to cook. Either learn to: ice skate, dance, yoga, go gym. Photography: 365 challenge, dig up more projects to do.
I won't ever play piano the way I want to. Itll never be as perfect as I want it to be my head. I can't replicate that. It all falls apart the minute I try. No patience.
Why don't I finish things in my head? Why must I write it all down to feel like I've filed it away? Means I accumulate too much dust and clutter in my heart.
I'm also happy all went well today and I managed to get a seat change. The window seat inspires me. People watching inspires me. I wonder how others perceive me. Want to see myself through another's eyes. There's s baby crying.
Watching this movie and realising the importance of siblings. How easily we can talk. How we can insult and scream and fight all we want and how it will never change. I love you. I will always love you. Is the recurrent message from this trip. Fr my family and loved ones. That even if the sky falls down, we will still be here to hold it up. The kind of friendship that dog and deer had. Kate and Pippin. Which reminds me I still need to watch the hobbit. I think I'm now transcribing my thoughts as they run through my head. Fingers are not moving as fast as they can. Right. At the spot again. Almost went over the fastforwarding. Hush for now.
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